FY goes to RHPS
by dodger-chan
Summary: Hot Patootie and I can make you a man.
1. Default Chapter

Since my recent deflowering, the two seemed to have formed a permanent link in my mind. I need to apologize for absolutely everything, but I'm not sorry in the least. If you are easily offended, don't read it. If you've never heard of _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_, you are clearly from another planet. Contact me so I can exploit your alien nature for profit and entertainment. Please excuse any errors or lack of humor. I wrote most of this just after the midnight showing and most things are funnier at three in the morning. On to the story.

dodger-chan:    As a kind of reward for your assistance in the Passover fic and putting up with me in general, I'm taking all of you the see _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_ this Saturday. (no reaction) You could get excited, you know. *sigh* It's my treat.

Tamahome:       I'm going.

dodger-chan:    And there'll be candy… and hot dogs

Miaka:              (jumping up and down) I'll be there. 

dodger-chan:    What about you, Nuriko? Don't you want to go?

Nuriko:             (a dead on Columbia imitation) I've seen it. But only three or four times. I'll go if Hotohori goes. 

Hotohori:          But there are so many…ugly things in that movie. 

dodger-chan:    But at the theatre you get to make fun of the ugly things. Anyway you need to build up your tolerance to ugly. 

Hotohori:          Perhaps….

Chichiri:            What about Chiriko? Isn't he a little young, no da?

dodger-chan:    Maybe. Chiriko, do you know what a transvestite is?

Chiriko:            I've been friends with Nuriko for some time now. I know about transvestitism, and homosexuality. I've even seen _Rocky Horror_ once.

dodger-chan:    If he's seen it, he's old enough. Lets just  hope there relatively nice to virgins this time.

Tasuki:             What d'ya mean 'nice to virgins?'

dodger-chan:    Um… Mitsukake, what about you?

Mitsukake:       (Mumbles incomprehensible response)

dodger-chan:    Sorry, didn't catch that.

Nuriko:             (popping out from behind a tree near Mitsukake) He said--

dodger-chan:    How did you do that tree thing? You were over there with Hotohori and there was no tree behind Mitsukake.

Nuriko:             It's just what I do. Do you want to know what he said or what?

dodger-chan:    Of course.

Nuriko:             Well, he's not merely seen it. He's been in it. He was Rocky.

dodger-chan:    I never would have expected.….Mitsukake.

(Conveniently, just at that moment)

Tamahome:       Miaka!

Miaka:              Tamahome!

Nuriko:             Rocky!

(There is a brief confused silence, immediately followed by the giggles of everyone whose seen RHPS)

Yui:                  I've just got to go. I need to see Miaka and Tamahome there.

Soi:                  I must admit, I'm curious myself. You'll come to keep me warm, won't you Nakago, sweetie?

Nakago:           (stiffly) I'll come.

dodger-chan:    Have any of you Seiryu seen it? (Notices Tomo's already dressed as Dr. Frank N. Futer.) Ask a silly question…. Any others?

Ashitare:           (growls)

dodger-chan:    Really? 

Ashitare:           (growls more) 

dodger-chan:    Yeah, I always liked her myself.

Soi:                  Who?

dodger-chan:    Susan Sarandon.

Ashitari:            I especially admire her for standing up for her belief that war is wrong in spite of the unpopularity of her views. 

Yui:                  Weird.

Ashitare:           (growls questioningly)

dodger-chan:    Never mind her. I'm glad your coming. Amiboshi, Suboshi, are you two going?

Amiboshi:         I don't know.

Yui:                  Suboshi, you're going.

Suboshi:           ….I guess I'm going then.

Amiboshi:         I don't really want to.

Suboshi:           You don't have to. 

dodger-chan:    You're going to make your brother see it without support?

Amiboshi:         Okay, okay. I'll go. 

dodger-chan:    Good. That just leaves Miboshi. Um…where is he?

Tomo:              Getting rice. 

dodger-chan:    Great. I'll go get the rest of the supplies. I brought clothes for you all to wear so you'll fit in better.

Tomo:              What's wrong with what I'm wearing now?

dodger-chan:    You're fine. You can come and help me.

Nuriko:             And me?

dodger-chan:    You're in Ancient China drag. You'll look more like everyone else if you update the outfit.

Nuriko:             Since when have I wanted to look like everyone else?

Tasuki:             Fishnets? There's no fucking way I'm gonna wear fishnets!

Amiboshi:         I'm getting a bad feeling about this. 

dodger-chan:    (grins and walks off with Tomo)


	2. The Ultimate Shadow Cast

I know, I'm supposed to be working on Roommates. But this scary guy keeps pointing a pitchfork-like weapon at me and has threatened that if I don't work on this story I'll be shot with a beam of pure anti-matter. Now, knowing that I am made of matter and, as a physics student, just what happens to matter around anti-matter, I've decided to listen to him. Thus, the ultimate shadow cast.

Warning: This story is less offensive than _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_ but that really isn't saying much. This story may not make sense without prior knowledge of the movie. This fic is not a substitute for going to the theatre your self. And of course, nothing belongs to me. Possibly not even myself.

(dodger-chan, Nuriko and Tomo sit at a circular table, plotting, as the others look on in horror)

dodger-chan:    And now for casting…(eyes dart eagerly around the room)

Nuriko:             Should we really do a complete cast with so many virgins?

dodger-chan:    But with you as director they'll be fine. Trust me, we have a certain…_talent_ here we don't want to waste. 

Nuriko:             True…okay. First the part of Dr. Frank N. Furter…

Tomo:              That part's taken.

Nuriko:             Really?

dodger-chan:    Come on, Nuriko. He's already dressed for it, and he kind of fits the part.

Nuriko:             True. Alright. (taking notes) Frank N. Furter will be played by Tomo the Homo.

dodger-chan:    Nuriko. No name calling before the film. (Nuriko scratches out the last two words) Better. Who's next?

Nuriko:             Brad Majors.

Tomo:              Tamahome. He'd be perfect.

dodger-chan:    Are you saying Tamahome's an asshole?*

Tamahome:       Hey!

Tomo:              No, of course not. (in a tone meaning 'yes, of course')

Nuriko:             Tama-chan really would be good….

dodger-chan:    And Miaka would make a great Janet.

Nuriko:             No, I think Soi is more Janet.

Tomo:              (innocently) Are you calling Soi a slut?*

Soi:                  Hey!

Nuriko:             No, of course not. (in a tone meaning 'yes, of course')

dodger-chan:    Enough of the insults, Miaka will be Janet. It'll work better for 'Damnit, Janet.'

Nuriko:             Isn't Soi easier to rhyme?

dodger-chan:    Not when I've spent the last few hours working things that rhyme with Miaka. Besides, it just seems right.

Nuriko:             Very well. Brad Majors is Tamahome and Janet Weiss is Miaka.

dodger-chan:    Tomo, Take them to get costumes.

Tamahome:       What if I don't want --

dodger-chan:    You get paid.

Tamahome:       Miaka to feel compelled, that is. I have no problem with it.

Miaka:              (talking through a mouthful of candy) I don't mind. 

dodger-chan:    See. All settled. Follow Tomo. (Miaka and Tamahome follow Tomo) Next?

Nuriko:             Riff Raff, then Magenta. Why am I reminded of the twins?

dodger-chan:    Reminded of the twins by siblings who can't keep their hands off each other? I don't see how. (laughs) Amiboshi, Suboshi, get up here.

Amiboshi:         What do we have to do?

Nuriko:             Not much more than usual. I mean you two are almost always touching anyway. Just add a little elbow sex.

Amiboshi:         (whispering) I am not performing a sexual act with my brother in public.

(A brief pause while everyone who heard takes in that last statement)

Suboshi:           Aniki.

Amiboshi:         That's not what I meant. That was…uh….

Nuriko:             A Freudian slip?

Amiboshi:         No. It was not a Freudian slip. It was too many qualifying statements.

dodger-chan:    It was the way we're going to blackmail you into playing your parts.

Aniboshi:          What?

dodger-chan:    You two go get costumes or we tell everyone what you said. Without explaining that you put in too many qualifiers. 

Suboshi:           Don't threaten him.

Amiboshi:         No, it's okay. We'll do it. (exeunt twins)

dodger-chan:    I believe Columbia is next.

Nuriko:             Soi. If she can't be Janet, she must be Columbia.

dodger-chan:    Okay. Soi? You want to be Columbia?

Soi:                  Sure. 

dodger-chan:    Go see Tomo. (exit Soi) Next part?

Nuriko:             Dr. Evertt Scott. 

dodger-chan:    Don't you mean von Scott?

Nuriko:             So who can do a good fake German accent?

dodger-chan:    I don't know. How about Chichiri?

Nuriko:             Any particular reason?

dodger-chan:    Only that I have ideas for the parts and he's one of the ones left. Well, he's also got a bit of that older mentor stuff with Miaka.

Nuriko:             Any objections, Chichiri?

Chichiri:            Nope. Anything that I can do no da! (teleports to dressing room)

Nuriko:             Fine. I guess I know your idea for Rocky Horror himself.

dodger-chan:    Well he does have the experience. Plus he'll be good working with Miaka. 

Nuriko:             Plus Tomo won't actually try anything with him. (Nuriko and dodger-chan both eye Mitsukake)

dodger-chan:    Please?

Mitsukake:            Fine. (exits)

Nuriko: I can see why you wanted Tomo out of here.

dodger-chan:    Truly, it was just his excellent make-up skills and fashion expertise that sent him to the dressing room.

Nuriko:             (rolls eyes) Sure. How about Eddie?

dodger-chan:    Well, Eddie is a dumb, loud, macho guy…

Nuriko:             (grinning) Tasuki.

Tasuki:             No fucking way I'm being in this fucking freak show. And I'm not going to that fucking virgin sacrifice you talked about earlier. I'm not a virgin.

dodger-chan:    You're a Rocky Horror virgin, so you're going.

Tasuki:             No fucking way. Hey, how come you're letting me swear?

dodger-chan:    Cause if anyone's offended by your language, the movie will kill them.

Tasuki:             Oh. So if I'm at this movie I can say whatever the fuck I want?

dodger-chan:    Yes.

Tasuki:             I'll stay. But I still won't be in it. And I'm not wearing the fucking fishnets!

dodger-chan:    Oh, Eddie gets to dress as a guy. Plus if you're in the cast, we'll be nicer about the virgin sacrifice. But if you don't want to do it…

Tasuki:             Fuck you. I'll do it.

dodger-chan:    Good. (exit Tasuki)

Nuriko:             Wow. I'm impressed. So who's the narrator?

dodger-chan:    Ashitare. 

Nuriko:             You're not serious.

Ashitare:           I'm happy to accept the part. (exits)

Nuriko:             You are serious. I don't want to work with him.

dodger-chan:    He knows the movie. You won't have to do much.

Nuriko:             Fine. But you forgot someone.

dodger-chan:    Who?

Nuriko:             The lips.

dodger-chan:    Of course! The lips! Um…Yui, are you up to it? It's just for the credits.

Yui:                  Do I get the cast deal on sacrifice?

dodger-chan:    Yes.

Yui:                  I'll do it.

Nuriko:             Is that it then? 

dodger-chan:    Should be.

Nuriko:             Then I'll go being work with my cast. (exits)

dodger-chan:    Pity the audience is so small. I may have to invite some more people. But while we wait…Miboshi!

Miboshi:           Yes?

dodger-chan:    Bring up the props. We should sort them before the movie.

Miboshi:            Very well.

*like I said, prior knowledge of the movie


	3. Warnings and Rules

dodger-chan:    (toying with a riding crop) Due to the fact that R-ratings are as high as we can go, the virgin sacrifices could not be shown. My apologies. (returns riding crop to box and collects handcuffs, paddle, leash, etc. from Tomo and Nuriko) I'm sure you can imagine all the fun.

Tasuki:             You call that shit fun?

Nuriko:             Yes.

Tomo:              (leering) It gets more fun over time.

Tasuki:             Fuckin' perverts.

dodger-chan:    Tasuki!

Tasuki:             What? You said I could talk however the fuck I wanna in this fic!

dodger-chan:    But this is Rocky Horror. No one is a pervert here. (reaches to get out riding crop) 

Tasuki:             (horror-stricken)

dodger-chan:    Just do the warnings.

Tasuki:             Whatever you say. Alright, this is an offensive fuckin' fic based on an offensive fuckin' movie. The whole fuckin' purpose of this fic is to offend you. If you aren't offended, we fucked up. If you don't want to see sex, foul language, guys in drag, guys who fuck guys, xenophobia – whatever the fuck that means – or incest, you're reading the wrong fuckin' fan fic. And you've been watching the wrong fuckin' TV show! Get the fuck outa here now! For those of you left, here are the fuckin' rules:

Miboshi:           Rule # 1: This is Rocky Horror. By reading this fic, the reader agrees not to call anything done herein perverted. Within the context of _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_, it is not perverted. It will however be offensive. See Tasuki's warning. Rule #2: Do not complain about being offended. I count six times you've been flat out told that this is offensive. If it bothers you, fuck off.

dodger-chan:    Also, regarding shout-outs. They make the movie and they will be in the fic. However, it would be im-fucking-possible to include them all and still eventually finish. So, certain key shout-outs plus a few edited specifically for FY will be included. Feel free to shout out any you wish while reading. However, I am not responsible for the actions of those around if you choose to do so.

Nuriko:             (whining) This is taking too long. 

Tomo:              It's getting boring. (A quick conspiracy is created.)

Nuriko:             (to the audience) Get dodger-chan's attention.

(dodger-chan is pelted with pens, pencils and other things that tend to be near computers.)

dodger-chan:    Ow!

Nuriko:             Say: "Hello, dodger."

Tomo:              Say: "Start the Fucking fan-fic, dodger."

(fade to black)

AN: For my speech class, I'm giving a "cultural diversity" speech on _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_. As I only lost my virginity this summer, there is much I still don't know. If any of you who have been into it for longer wish to give me any information **needs** to be in the speech, please let me know when you review. And you will review, even if you don't have any information.__


	4. Shoujo Fantasy Double Feature

A long time ago, in a galaxy far away, Seiryuu said, "let there be lips!" And there were lips, and they were good.

Nuriko:             (waving) Hello Lips!

Yui:                  (as lips) Let the story unfurl,  

The Revolutionary Girl   

Pulled a sword from her fiancée's breast.        

The Moon Princess was there,   

With near impossible hair, 

Tamahome:       Odango-atama.

Yui:                  But she led the way for all rest.  

Then something got screwed –   

More fucked up than Perfect Blue –

Soi:                  Now that's fucked up!

Yui:                  They got caught in a cell painted jam.   

Picked up the wrong book,     

Fell for its hook,   

And this is how the story ran.

                        Shoujo Fantasy (ooh ooh ooh) Double feature    

I-chan san (ooh ooh ooh) Will build a creature.

Nuriko:             That's the wrong story.

Yui:                  See the seishi fighting (ooh ooh ooh) in Fushigi Yuugi.  

Is Nuriko hiding (ooh ooh ooh) Behind the fruit tree?

Nuriko: That rhyme sucks.

Yui:                  Wo oh oh oh oh oh

Miaka:              Wo ai ni?

Yui:                  At the late night, shoujo fantasy picture show.

                        I knew Yukito magically   

Would disappear tragically,     

Until Toya saved the day.     

And I felt the thrill;   

When Tsuzuki got the bill   

For the demon he could not keep at bay. 

Magic Knights playing heroes   

Almost destroyed Cyphero.  

Pixy Misa did her dirty deeds.  

But when worlds collide 

Open the book, look inside.  

I can tell you that the story reads 

Like a….                 

Miboshi:           Porn story?

Yui:                  Shoujo Fantasy (ooh ooh ooh) Double feature  

I-chan san (ooh ooh ooh) Will build a creature.

Nuriko: Still the wrong story.

Yui:                  See the seishi fighting (ooh ooh ooh) in Fushigi Yuugi. 

Is Nuriko hiding (ooh ooh ooh) Behind the fruit tree?

Miboshi:           Yes.   

Yui:                  Wo oh oh oh oh oh   

Tamhome:        Wo ai ni.

Yui:                  At the late night, shoujo fantasy picture show.    

I wanna go - Oh oh oh oh  

To the late night, shoujo fantasy, picture show  

In the back row - Oh oh oh oh

Tasuki:             Fuck the back row!

Tomo:              Fuck the front row!

Soi:                  Fuck every row, starting with mine!

Nuriko:             Told you she was a slut.

Yui:                  To the late night, shoujo fantasy, picture show.

Tomo:              (waving) Good-bye Lips!


	5. Damnit, Janet

This chapter dedicated to Stariko, because she is helpful. As for the rest of you- I will find you.

SO QUAKE WITH FEAR YOU TINY FOOLS!!!!!

Or you could just review.

(Church begins to rise from off screen. Wedding music is heard.)

Nuriko:             Look, Ma. I planted some magic beans and a church grew!

(The wedding guests gather, and off to one side stands Hotohori and Tamahome. Tamahome playfully punches Hotohori.) 

Tamahome:       You finally did it! (whispering) And she looks just like him, too.

(Hotohori 'playfully' punches Tamahome.)

Tomo:              Look! It's a miser-shaped punching bag.

Hotohori:          And you, you'll probably be heading down the path soon yourself.

(Houki tosses the bouquet and Miaka catches it. Promptly, she begins to eat the flowers)

Chiriko:            Ne, Miaka, you're not supposed to eat those.

Miboshi:           Pig!

(Embarassed, Miaka stops eating flowers. Tamahome gives Hotohori a not so playful punch)

Soi:                  Fight!

Tamahome:       You never know. (smiles wistfully at Miaka)

Hotohori:          Think you can afford to feed her?

Tomo:              Fight!

Tamahome:       As well as you can keep alive the ghost of your dead boyfriend.

(Hotohori draws his sword. A real fight ensues.)

Yui:                  Fight! Fight! Fight!

dodger-chan:    Put that away! We need him alive to do the parody. Tamahome, stop that. Hotohori!. Damnit! Tasuki!

Tasuki:             REKKA SHIN'EN!

(The two fried combatants put up their weapons)

Tomo:              Awww….

Hotohori:          Well, see you…Brad.

(Hotohori and Houki get in the car and drive off. Miaka and Tamahome have a little moment.)

Tamahome:       Miaka.

Miaka:              Tamahome.

dodger-chan:    Ahem.

Tamahome:       Janet.

Miaka:              Brad.

dodger-chan:    Better.

Miaka:              Oh, Brad! Wasn't that wonderful. Wasn't the food delicious?

Soi:                  Pig!

Miaka:              Didn't Betty look beautiful? It's hard to believe that just an hour ago she was plain old Betty Munroe… and now she's Mrs. Ralph Hapschatt.

Nuriko:             Have shit will travel.

Tamahome:       Yes, Janet, Ralph's a lucky guy.

Miaka:              Yes.

Tamahome:       And Betty really looks just like—

Hotohori:          Shut up, peasant!

Miaka:              (eating the bouquet again) Yes.

Tamahome:       I've got something to say.

Nuriko:             That you're a pig?

Miaka:              Uh huh?

Tamahome:       I really love the…skillful way…you beat the other girls-

Tomo:              With whips and chains.

Tamahome:       -to the line for the buffet.

Yui:                  still with whips and chains.

Miaka:              Tamahome.

dodger-chan:    Ahem.

Miaka:              I mean, Oh Brad!

Tamahome:       The river was deep but I swam it.

Twins:              Janet.

Tamahome:       The future is ours, so let's plan it.

Chichiri:            Just hers, no da!

Twins:              Janet.

Tamahome:       So please don't tell me to can it.

Twins:              Janet.

Tamahome:       I've one thing to say, and that's  
Dammit Janet, I love you!

Nuriko:             Ano…Miaka, that isn't food!

(Miaka quickly spits something out.)

Tamahome:       The road was long but I ran it.

Twins:              Janet.

Tamahome:       There's a fire in my heart and you fan it.

Nuriko:             Fan and fire?

Twins:              Janet.

Tamahome:       If there's one fool for you then I am it.

Miaka:              Did you say food?

Twins:              Janet.

Tamahome:       (draws a heart on the church door)

I've one thing to say, and that's  
Dammit Janet, I love you!

Hotohori:          What kind of miser, declares love in chalk?

Tamahome:       Here's a ring to prove that I'm no joker.

dodger-chan:    That's nothing but a two-bit ring from a crackerjack box!

Tamahome:       There's three ways that love can grow.  
That's good, bad, or mediocre.

Soi:                  So, how do you spell glutton?

Tamahome:       Oh J-A-N-E-T, I love you so.

Soi:                  Thank you.

Miaka:              Oh, it's nicer than Betty Munroe had.

Hotohori:          Cardboard is better than the royal treasury?

Twins:              Oh Brad.

Miaka:              Now we're engaged and I'm so glad,

Twins:              Oh Brad.

Miaka:              That you met Mom and you know Dad.

Chichiri:            But he hasn't, no da!

Twins:              Oh Brad.

Miaka:              I've one thing to say, and that's  
Brad, I'm mad, for you too.  
Oh, Brad

Tamahome:       Oh, damnit!

Miaka:              I'm mad-

Tamahome:       Oh, Janet.

Miaka:              -for you.

Tamahome:       I love you too.

Both:                There's one thing left to do, ah-hoo.

Miboshi:           End this stupid song?

Tamahome:       And that's go see the man who began it

Yui:                  You mean the author?

Twins:              Janet.

Tamahome:       When we met in his science exam-it

Yui:                  But he wasn't a science teacher.

Twins:              Janet.

Tamahome:       Made me give you the eye and then panic 

Twins:              Janet.

Tamahome:       Now I've one thing to say, and that's  
Dammit Janet, I love you  
Dammit, Janet

Miaka:              Oh, Brad, I'm mad.

Tamahome:       Damnit Janet.

Both:                I love you.

Nuriko:             Demo, dodger-chan, you didn't change the song at all.

dodger-chan:    That's the whole point of the fic. Rocky Horror really barely has to be edited to apply to Fushigi Yuugi. 

Tomo:              You're just saying that 'cuz you're too lazy to parody the song.

dodger-chan:    Not true. It's Tamahome's fault! His name doesn't fit ANYTHING in the song. Not rhyme scheme, not meter, nothing.

Tomo:              Asshole.

Nuriko:             Cheap asshole.

By the way, Stariko, Tasuki is yours for the next few chapters. Leave him in the freezer when you finish (though if you finish early, he could be used for a couple more shout-outs in "Sweet Transvestite").

Tasuki:             Shit.

*snicker*


	6. The man without a neck

Well, I took my boyfriend to lose his virginity last night (perfect valentine's day gift, right?) and was thus inspired. Poor Yuki. All warnings still stand.

ff.net seems to be messing with my fonts. My apologies for the sudden change.

***********************************************************************

(Ashitare as the Narrator seated at desk in smoking jacket.)

Nuriko & Hotohori:    (Leading the cheer)    U   G   L   Y     You ain't got no alibi. You ugly. Hey, hey, you ugly!

Chiriko:            Doggie want a bone?

Soi:                  Doggie want a neck?

Ashitare:           I would like-

Nuriko:             You know you would.

Ashitare:           If I may-

Hotohori:          Not 'til you fix that face!

Ashitare:           To take you on a strange journey.

Soi:                  So strange they made a book out of it?

Yui:                  Don't open that book!
    
    Ashitare:           (Flipping through the book showing pictures) It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Brad Majors
    
    Tasuki:             Miser!
    
    Ashitare:           and his fiancée Janet Weiss,
    
    Miboshi:           Pig!
    
    Ashitare:           two young ordinary healthy kids,
    
    Nuriko:             How healthy can they be? They're virgins?
    
    Ashitare:                 left Denton that late November evening to visit Dr Everett Scott, 
    
    (There is a brief pause while everyone waits for Nakago to fill in the line, but he's not around…)
    
    dodger-chan:    Did he run away?
    
    Soi:                  Spoil sport…fine then.  Zieg Heil!
    
    Ashitare:           ex. tutor and now friend of both of them. It's true there were dark storm clouds, heavy, black and pendulous, toward which they were driving.  It's true also that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air.  But they being normal kids and on a night out, well they were not going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening.

(Miaka and Tamahome driving in heavy rain. Tamahome is trying to see through the window. Miaka is eating.)

Ashitare:           It was a night out they were going to remember for a very long time.

Miaka:              (between bites) That's the third *munch* motorcycle I've seen go past. They certainly *munch* take their lives in their hands, especially in this *munch* weather.

Tamahome:       Yes, life's pretty cheap to that type.

Tasuki:             Cheaper than you?

(Car slows and stops. Headlights shine on a "Dead end" sign"

Miaka:              (spitting crackers as she talks) What's the matter?

Hotohori:          _Someone_ was too cheap to order the complete road.

Tamahome:       I think we took the wrong fork a few miles back.

Soi:                  Yeah, you grabbed a salad for, but your pig was clearly eating dessert.

Miaka:              But then where did those motorcycles come from?

Tamahome:       Well, I guess we'll have to turn back.]

Nuriko:             Don't turn back!

(Car reverses and tire explodes)

Nuriko:             Told you so.

Miaka:              What was that bang?

Soi:                  Foreshadowing!

Tamahome:       Must have been a blow-

Soi:                  job?

Tamahome:       out. (hits car) I knew I should have spent the money on that spare tire!

Hotohori:          Cheapskate.

Tamahome:       You wait here. I'm going to go try to find help.

Miaka:              Where? There's not been a restaurant or food mart for miles; we're in the middle of nowhere.

Tamahome:       I think I saw a castle a bit back. Maybe they have a phone I could use.

Nuriko:             Castles don't have phones, cheapskate. 

Tamahome:       (under his breath) or a treasure vault I could access….

Miaka:              I'm coming with you. 

Tamahome:       There's no reason for both of us to get wet.

Soi:                  Too late.

Miaka:              I'm coming with you. Besides, the owner of that castle may be a beautiful woman, 

Nuriko:             He is.

Miaka:              and she might have something for us to eat.

Chiriko:            In a sense….

One piece of advice I'd like to get. The twins are Riff-Raff and Magenta, but which one's which? Review and send your opinion.


	7. The light in the temple

Well, a decision was made. Riff Raff is Suboshi and Magenta is Amiboshi. Mainly because I just can't picture Amiboshi saying "They never liked me." It would be fun to see Tomo whip Amiboshi, though. (imagines having the twins switch places… probably not) Thanks to those who reviewed and a slow, painful death to those who don't this time. 

The way this fic seems to be working is that I write more every time I get to see RHPS myself. So (addressing Kai, Iwa-chan and anyone else I go to school with) how about buying me tickets?

Stariko: Was that the Boca RenFest? I was just there myself. So much fun.

Ah, well, story time it is….

************************************************************

(Music and storm in background as Miaka and Tamahome wander through the rain with newspaper over their heads. Audience members pull out own newspapers and squirt guns. Miaka and Tamahome see the "Enter at your own risk" sign.)

Nuriko:             How-

Hotohori:          long-

Soi:                  does-

Miboshi:           it-

Yui:                  take-

Tasuki:             to-

Ashitare:           read-

Chichiri:            five-

Chiriko:            fucking-

Amiboshi:         words?

(finally they pass the sign)

Nuriko:             Oi, Miaka, watch out for that pig-eating tree.

Soi:                  Tree, watch out for that pig!

(Tree catches on Miaka's hair. She promptly eats her way free)

Soi:                  I warned you….

(The song finally begins)

Miaka:              In the velvet darkness 

Of the blackest night 

Burning bright. 

There's a guiding star

No matter who you are.

Tasuki:             REKKA SHIN'EN!

dodger-chan:    Hey, no open flames.

Nuriko:             (stalking off) Well!

Tasuki:             (at the same time) I'm not a fucking homosexual!

dodger-chan:    Never mind. Just go back to the song.

Miaka & Tamahome:            There's a light…

(flashlights and tessin in the air)

Phantom Voices:            Over at the Frankenstein Place.

Miboshi:           Over at the Seiryuu temple.

Miaka & Tamahome:            There's a light…

Phantom Voices:            Burning in the fireplace.

Miaka & Tamahome:            There's a light, a light

                                    In the darkness of everybody's life.

(lights go out)

Suboshi:           The darkness must go

                        Down the river of nights' dreaming

                        Flow morphia slow

                        Let the sun and light come streaming

                        Into my life.

                        Into my life.

Tasuki:             REKKA SHIN'EN!

Miaka & Tamahome:            There's a light…

(flashlights and tessin, again)

Phantom Voices:            Over at the Frankenstein Place.

Soi:                  Over at the Seiryuu temple.

Miaka & Tamahome:            There's a light…

Phantom Voices:            Burning in the fireplace.

                                    There's a light, a light

Miaka & Tamahome:            In the darkness of everybody's life.

Ashitare:           And so it seemed that fortune had smiled-

Nuriko:             Unlike your neck!

Ashitare:           on Brad and Janet and that they had found the assistance that their plight required. 

Hotohori:          Are you sure?

Ashitare:           Or had they?

Miaka:              Oh, Brad. Lets go back. I'm cold and I'm frightened. And I'm hungry.

Miboshi:           That's just because you're a pig.

Tamahome:       Just a moment, Janet. They may have a telephone. (rings doorbell)

Yui:                  Ding-dong, Miser calling. 

Soi:                  Pig for sale!

Suboshi:           (Barely restrains murderous rage.) Hello.

Tamahome:       (Likewise) Uh-oh- hi. I'm Brad Majors.

Tasuki:             Miser!

Tamahome:       And this is my fiancée, Janet Weiss. 

Soi:                  Glutton.

Tamahome:       I – uh – wondered if you could help us. Our car broke down 

Chiriko:            No it didn't. You got a flat.

Tamahome:       about two miles up the road. Do you have a phone we might use?

Hotohori:          We already told you. Castles don't have phones. 

Suboshi:           You're wet.

Miaka:              Yes, the rain has been very heavy.

Tamahome:       Yes.

Suboshi:           Yes.

(Lightening illuminates row of Motercycles)

Miboshi:           Oh, shit. You weren't supposed to see those.

Suboshi:           I think you had better both 

Tasuki:             Fuck off?

Suboshi:           (wishing the shout out was the real line) come inside.

Soi:                  I don't care where you come, as long as I do.

Miaka:              Oh, Brad. I'm frightened. What kind of place is this?

Nuriko:             (imitating Miaka) They haven't even offered us any refreshments.

Tamahome:       It's probably some sort of hunting lodge for rich weirdos. Rich…? (Thoughtful look)

Yui:                  Can you spot the domestic in this picture?

Soi:                  No, the pig's in the way.

Suboshi:           This way.

Miaka:              Are you – giving a party? Is there food?

Suboshi:           No. You've arrived on a rather special night. 

dodger-chan:            Why is this night different from all other nights?

Suboshi:            It's one of the master's affairs.

Nuriko:             Which one?

Soi:                  What gender?

Miaka:              Lucky him.

Amiboshi:         (from the staircase) He's lucky. You're lucky. I'm lucky. We're all lucky.

Suboshi:           The banister's lucky!

(Amiboshi turns bright red. Everyone stares at Suboshi)

Nuriko:             I didn't think he knew the shout out…

dodger-chan:    …he didn't.

**********

and I do expect reviews. 


	8. Oh dear

This chapter dedicated to my parents for not noticing when I "borrowed" their copy of the soundtrack and to my roommate for using it for her alarm clock. Nothing like waking up to Time Warp every morning.

***************************

Suboshi:           It's astounding

                        Time is fleeting

Tasuki:             What the fuck is wrong with you?

Suboshi:           Madness

Miboshi:           Incest!

                        Takes its toll

Nuriko:             69 cents, please.

                        But listen closely,

Amiboshi:         Not for very much longer

Suboshi:           I've got to

Yui:                  Lose

Suboshi:           Keep control

                        I remember, doing the time warp

                        Drinking, those moments when

                        The blackness would hit me

Amiboshi & Suboshi:  (with elbow sex) And the void would be calling

(Tranies are revealed, featuring Chiriko as the midget.)

Trannies:           Let's do the Time Warp again.

                        Let's do the Time Warp again.

Nuriko:             Show us how to do this fucking dance!

Ashitare:           It's just a jump to the left.

Trannies:           And then a step to the right.

Ashitare:           With your hands on your hips

Trannies:           You bring your knees in tight

                        But it's the pelvic thrust

                        That really drives you insane.

                        Let's do the Time Warp again.

                        Let's do the Time Warp again.

Amiboshi:         It's so dreamy

                        Oh, fantasy free me

                        So you can't see me

Chichiri:            Really, no da?

Amiboshi:         No, not at all

                        In another dimension

Yui:                  So, you're dead again?

                        With voyeuristic intention

                        Well secluded, I see all

Suboshi:           With a bit of a mind flip

Miboshi:           -mind fuck.

Amiboshi:         You're into the time slip

Nuriko:             Fuck that bird!

Hotohori:          Have a bagel.

Tamahome:       I'm not-- 

(Miaka promptly eats the bagel, ending that series of shout outs)

Suboshi:           And nothing, can ever be the same

Amiboshi:         You're spaced out on sensation

Yui:                  Lose it, Suboshi.

Suboshi:           Like you're under sedation

Trannies:           Let's do the Time Warp again.

                        Let's do the Time Warp again.

Soi:                  Well I was walking the street

                        In the down town square

                        When a snake of a guy gave me an evil glare

                        He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise

                        He had long blond hair, and western devil eyes

                        He stared at me and I felt a change

                        Time meant nothing, never would again

Trannies:           Let's do the Time Warp again.

                        Let's do the Time Warp again.

Ashitare:           It's just a jump to the left.

Trannies:           And then a step to the right.

Ashitare:           With your hands on your hips

Trannies:           You bring your knees in tight

                        But it's the pelvic thrust

                        That really drives you insane.

                        Let's do the Time Warp again.

                        Let's do the Time Warp again.

(Everyone involved in the dance falls to the floor)

Miaka:              (so scared she's not eating) …say something.

Hotohori:          Hey Miser, say something stupid so we can get off the floor.

Tamahome:       Say…

(All on the floor sit up)

Yui:                  That wasn't stupid.

Tamahome:       Any of you know how to do the Madison?

Miboshi:           That was.

(No one laughs. Miaka and Tamahome start backing out into the hall)

Miaka:              Tama-Brad, please let's get out of here.

Tamahome:       For Suzaku's sake keep a grip on yourself, _Janet_.

(Sex chant begins at low volume and gets increasingly louder)

Miaka:              But it seems so unhealthy here.

Tamahome:       It's just a party.

Miaka:              Without any food?

Tamahome:       We can't go anywhere until I get to a phone. 

Miaka:              There was a payphone not six feet from the car!

Tamahome:       Let's wait awhile. We don't want to spend any money we don't have to.

Miaka:              This isn't the Konan Imperial Court, _Brad._

Tamahome:       They're probably foreigners with ways different then our own. They may have ways different then our own, and no understanding of our monetary system…

Miaka:              But – I'm cold, I'm wet and plain hungry!

Tamahome:       I'm here, there's nothing to worry about.

(Miaka sees something and screams)

Miaka:              I think I've lost my appetite!

dodger-chan:    Ladies and gentleman, we present to you Tomo as Dr. Frank N. Futer.

(Tomo, in perfect costume and doing an incredible Tim Curry impression, begins to sing)

Tomo:              How d'you do, I

Tamahome:       'm gay.

Tomo:              See you've met my

Nuriko:             Slave.

Tomo:              Faithful (savoring the word) handyman

Soi:                  Hand-job man (Suboshi glares, Amiboshi turns deep red)          

Tomo:              He's just a little brought down because

                        When you knocked

Miboshi:           He rang.

Tomo:              He thought you were the candyman

Miaka:              (perks up) Oh, candy?

Tomo:              Don't get strung out

                        By the way I look

                        Don't judge a book by its cover

Yui:                  For once he's right.

Tomo:              I'm not much of a man 

Nuriko:             Two in a row

Tomo:              by the light of day

                        But by night I'm one hell of a lover

Tasuki:             …Sick mother fucker!

Tomo:              I'm just a sweet transvestite

                        From Transexual, Transyvannia.

                        Let me show you around, maybe play you a sound

                        You look like you're both pretty groovy

Yui:                  What, does gay mean blind?

Tomo:              Or if you want something visual

                        That's not too abysmal

                        We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie

Tasuki:             Who the fuck is Steve Reeves?

Tamahome:       I'm glad we caught you at home

                        Could we use your phone?

Hotohori:          Castles still don't have phones, Miser.

Tamahome:       We're both in a bit of a hurry

Miaka:              Right.

Tamahome:       We'll just say where we are

                        And go back to the car

                        We don't want to be any worry.

Tomo:              Well you got caught with a flat

Nuriko:             He didn't say that.

Tomo:              Well, how 'bout that?

                        Well babies, don't you panic

                        By the light of the night

                        It'll all seem alright

                        I'll get you a Satanic Mechanic

Soi:                  S&M!

Tomo:              I'm just a sweet transvestite

                        From Transexual, Transylvannia

                        Why don't you stay for the night?

(Evil Hissing):    night

Tomo:              Or maybe a bite

(Evil Hissing):    bite (Soi licks her lip)

Suboshi:           Bite, not lick.

Tomo:              I could show you my favorite obsession

Soi:                  Sex.

Tasuki:             Same to you.

Tomo:              I've been making a man (plays with Suboshi's hair)

Yui:                  You call that a man? (Suboshi scowls)

Amiboshi:         Hey!

Tomo:              With blonde hair and a tan

Amiboshi:         Blonde? And get your hand out of his hair!

Tomo:              And he's good for relieving my

Miboshi:           sexual

Tomo:              Tension.

Amiboshi:         That's _my_ brother you're talking about.

Tomo:              I'm just a sweet transvestite

Chorus:            Sweet Transvestite

Tomo:              From Transexual,

Chorus:            Translyvannia.

Tomo:              So, why don't you come up to the lab

                        And see what's on the slab?

                        I see you shiver with antici-

Chiriko:            Say it! Say it! Say it!

Tomo:              -pation

                        But maybe the rain

Nuriko:             Sing it, Sister!

Tomo:              Isn't really to blame

                        So I'll remove the cause

Hotohori:          Gee, that's nice…wait, what about the symptom?

Tomo:              But not the symptom

*************

Sorry it's been awhile, I needed to see RHPS again. And as for Shock Treatment, I haven't seen it yet. I will, though. And the most important note:

**REVIEW!**


	9. Why don't you come up to the lab?

Sorry it's been so long. It was summer, which meant I was without easy access to the Internet. But now school is starting and I can connect again! This chapter is dedicated to my dear friend Tyler (but he answers to 'Baka'). He's now a permanent (well, however permanent things are) member of the cast of Interchangeable Parts at St. Pete Beach Theatre! I hope he finds his neck.

(Suboshi drops a blood-soaked rag on Miaka's hair)

Miboshi: Hey, Pig, we found your napkin in the sty.

Miaka: Oh, Tama-Brad!

(Amiboshi and Suboshi begin stripping Miaka and Tamahome, piling the clothes in Soi's arms)

Chiriko: Take your coat, sir? Take your dress, ma'am?

Tamahome: It's alright, _Janet_, we'll play along for now and pull out our aces-- (Amiboshi yanks down Tamahome's pants, revealing green boxers covered in dollar signs)

Soi: That's some ace.

Miaka: Get your eyes off my fiancé.

Soi: What? I was just talking about that ace. ( points to the ace of spades, which had fallen out of Tamahome's clothes)

Hotohori: That cheating peasant!

Tamahome: I did not cheat. I won that money fairly. (swords are drawn)

dodger-chan: Enough! Back to the fanfic. Now. Your line, Tamahome.

Tamahome: It's alright, Janet, we'll play along for now and pull out our aces when the time is right.

Soi: Slowly, slowly. (eyeing Tamahome) It's too nice a job to rush.

Miaka: (muttering) You'd know.

Tamahome: Hi. My name is Brad Majors-

Hotohori: Cheater.

Tamahome: -and this is my fiancée, Janet Weiss.

Yui: Glutton.

Chiriko: Ne, Tamahome, spell 'urinate.'

Tamahome: You are…ah?

Chichiri: Close enough, no da!

Soi: You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's laboratory. Some people would give their right arm for the privilege.

Ashitare: Or their left tit.

Tamahome: People like you, maybe?

Soi: Ha! I've seen it. (Tosses the clothes into the air)

Yui: And I don't do laundry.

(Miaka and Tamahome are rushed off, but not before Tamahome grabs…)

Nuriko: Quick, cheapskate, grab something important like your …wallet?

(…because, being Tamahome, he ignored the shoes in favor of the money. Everyone is now crammed into the elevator)

Miboshi: And on today's episode of "Stupid Questions from Stupider Animals"

Miaka: Is he your husband? (There is much amusement at Miaka's expense)

Suboshi: The…(has trouble with the word) Master is not yet married. Nor do I think he ever will be.

Chichiri: Maybe in Canada, na no da!

Suboshi: We are simply his-

Soi: Sex toys. (the twins shudder)

Suboshi: (with emphasis) -servants.

Miaka: Oh.

(Enter the laboratory, with its odd music and well hung speakers. You know what I'm talking about. Tomo stands in the middle of the room in front of a 'mysterious' tank. No one seems eager to get out of the elevator.)

Ashitare: Invisible men first. Pigs second. Misers third. (under orders, they disembark)

(Suboshi disappears behind the mysterious tank in the middle of the lab)

Tasuki: What's your favorite color?

Tomo: Magenta. (Amiboshi steps forward)

Nuriko: Where do you get your drugs?

Tomo: Columbia. (Soi steps forward) Go and assist Riff Raff.

Tamahome: He can't get it up by himself. (The twins glare at Tamahome with obviously evil intentions)

Tomo: I will entertain (he steps forward, hand outstreached)

dodger-chan: …the camera man.

Tamahome: Hi. I'm Brad Majors-

Tasuki: Miser.

Tamahome: -and this is my fiancée, Janet Vice.

Miaka: Weiss.

Tamahome: er, Weiss.

Chiriko: Quick, Frank, say something in French.

Yui: Why not Chinese?

Tomo: Enchanté.

Chichiri: What's that mean?

Tomo: Well.

Miboshi: What's it really mean?

Tomo: How nice.

Ashitare: What's it really really mean?

Tomo: And what charming underclothing you both have.

Nuriko: I knew it meant something sexual.

Tomo: (handing over lab coats) Here, put these on.

Soi: And take those off.

Tomo: They'll make you feel less-

Chiriko: Naked?

Tomo: -vulnerable.

Chiriko: Same thing.

Tomo: It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer them _Horse Brutality._

Tamahome: _Horse Brutality_? All we wanted to do was use your phone.

Yui: Look up in the sky.

Tamahome: A reasonable enough request which you have chosen to ignore.

Yui: It's a bird, a plane….

Miaka: Don't be ungrateful, Brad.

Yui: No, it's—

Tamahome: Ungreatful! (removes glasses)

Yui: Supermiser!

Soi: No, it's a bird. Look at that chest.

Miaka: Hey!

Tomo: How forceful you are, Brad. Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So…(savoring the word) dominant.

(Giggles abound. Nuriko whips out glasses)

Yui: If he's so dominant, why does she need glasses?

Miaka: She doesn't. (Tamahome covers himself)

Tomo: You must be awfully proud of him, Janet.

Miaka: (chewing on the sleeve of her robe) Well, yes I am.

Tomo: (eyeing Tamahome) Do you have any tattoos, Brad?

Tamahome: Certainly not!

Hotohori: Don't you know how much they cost?

Tomo: (to Miaka, but still eyeing Tamahome) How about you?

Suboshi Everything is in readiness, Master. We merely await your word.

(Tomo climbs to the stage and begins his speech)

Tomo: Tonight, my unconventional conventionists

(polite laugher ensues)

Tomo: Tonight you are to witness a breakthrough in biochemical research. And paradise is to be mine. (applause) [and I remember this speech so little that I looked it up. Unfortunately, only two words looked familiar. So don't complain about how wrong it is.] It was strange the way it happened. One of those quirks of fate, really. One of those moments when you seem irredeemably lost: you panic; your trapped; your back's against the wall. There's no way out, and then suddenly, you get a break. All the pieces seem to fit into place. What a sucker you've been. What a fool. [and yay! my memory returns] The answer was there all along. It took a small accident to make it happen.

Yui: What did your mother call you?

Tomo: An accident!

Amiboshi & Soi: (whispering) An accident.

Tomo: That's how I discovered the secret. That elusive ingredient, the spark that is the breath of life! (applause) For tonight is the night that my creation is destined to be born.

Tasuki: --to be gay!

(cue the special effects and dramatic music. The curtain is thrown back from the tank, revealing the worlds largest tampon.)

Tomo: Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator. (again, dramatic music) And step up the reactor power input three more _triangles_. (it is done. Suboshi begins turning the crank, lowering the fruit juice mixes)

Amiboshi: I think I can. I think I can.

Miaka: Tamahome.

Tamahome: Miaka. (they embrace)

(Tomo begins playing with dispensers filled with colored liquid.)

Nuriko: Orangey orange. Grape-ity purple. Lime green. Blueberry blue. More blue.

Hotohori: How can something so straight come from something so fruity?

(More special effects. The worlds largest self inserting tampon begins to move)

Nuriko: Poor Rocky, reaches for his first screw and all he gets is a nut!

(A fully bandaged Rocky Horror is now standing. Suboshi pulls the bandage from Rocky's face revealing … a gagged Nakago.)

dodger-chan: Tomo?

Tomo: (smiling) Yes?

dodger-chan: Do you think you might have done something…wrong?

Tomo: um….no?

dodger-chan: Well, did you ask his permission?

Tomo: Not in so many words, no.

dodger-chan: But you don't see anything wrong here.

Tomo: No.

Miaka: Ano…where's Mitsukake?

Tomo: Uh….

dodger-chan: You do realize how dead you are, right?

Tomo: (grinning) It's worth it.

(Nakago, already rather frightened, panics)

Yui: It is pretty funny.

Nuriko: Yeah, I like this casting.

Nakago: (through the gag) whimper

dodger-chan: Well, at least for this song. (cue music)

Nakago: The Sword of Damocles is hanging over my head

Miaka: He's got that right.

Nakago: And I've got the feeling someone's gonna be cutting the thread  
Oh, woe is me  
My life is a misery  
Oh, can't you see  
That I'm at the start of a pretty big downer

Tasuki: …of a pretty shitty fanfic

dodger-chan: Hey!

Nakago: (fleeing Tomo) I woke up this morning with a start when I fell out of bed

Chorus: (formed of those not Nakago and Tomo) That ain't no crime

Nakago: And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnameable dread

Chorus: That ain't no crime.

Nakago: My high is low  
I'm dressed up with no place to go  
And all I know  
Is I'm at the start of a pretty big downer

Chorus: Is I'm at the start of a pretty shitty fanfic!

Tomo: Oh, Rocky (Continues chasing, setting elaborate traps, etc.)

Chorus: Sha la la la  
Ain't no crime

Sha la la la  
Ain't no crime

Sha la la la  
Ain't no crime  
Ain't no crime

Nakago: (Narrowly avoiding a pit trap) The Sword of Damocles is hanging over my head

Chorus: That ain't no crime.

Nakago: And I've got the feeling someone's gonna be cutting the thread

Chorus: That ain't no crime.

Nakago: Oh, woe is me  
My life is a mystery  
And can't you see  
That I'm at the start of a pretty big downer

Chours: (amidst an even more elaborate chase scene)

Sha la la la  
Ain't no crime

Sha la la la  
Ain't no crime

Sha la la la  
Ain't no crime

Sha la la la  
Ain't no crime

(Tomo snags Nakago and drags him back to the tank)  
Ain't no crime  
Sha la la

Nakago: (under his breath) Isn't kidnapping a crime?

dodger-chan: Well, maybe if you were a god it would be.

Nakago: If I were a god this fic would never have been conceived.

(There is a pause while everyone considers the merits of that statement)

dodger-chan: Yeah, but then he'd be a god.

All: Right. Good point. Etc.


	10. The party crasher and the wedding night

Tomo:Well. That's no way to behave on your first day out.

Tamahome:(snickering at Nakago) of the closet.

(A gagged Nakago glares at Tamahome)

Chiriko:Wait, if he's gagged, how did he sing?

Nuriko:The same way Rocky manages to know what the Sword of Damocles is not five minutes after he's born.

dodger-chan:Even though he can't actually speak.

Tomo:If it's not a shout out, shut up.

Nuriko:If you're horny and you know it, bang the bars. (joined by others)

If you're horny and you know it, bang the bars.

If you're horny and you know it, and you really want to show it,

If you're horny and you know it bang the bars.

(Nakago slams his head into the bars repeatedly)

Nuriko:We knew it.

Tomo:I just love success.

Suboshi:He's a credit to your genius, Master.

Amiboshi:A triumph of your will.

Soi:(leaning on tank) He's okay.

Hotohori:He's not gay.

Tomo:Okay?

Nuriko:Not gay?

Miboshi:Get your tits OFF (Tomo slams tank, Soi jumps) my tank!

Miaka:What do you think of Nakago as a god?

Tomo:I think we can do better than that. (drags Nakago over to Miaka) What do you think of him?

Miaka:Well (looking at Tamahome) I don't like men with too many muscles.

Chiriko:Just one big one.

Tomo:I didn't make him for you!

Chichiri:She gets him anyway, no da!

Tomo:He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval.

(Kouji pops up)

Kouji:Why, Kouji, what are you doing here? Well, since Tasuki's on ice, I thought I'd do a shout out for him. That's so nice of you, Kouji. Yes, I thought it was.

Describe Tamahome at the beach. (disappears)

Tomo:A weakling, weighing ninety-eight pounds.

Miaka:That's not very nice.

Tomo:Will get sand in his face, when kicked to the ground

Suboshi:In the balls.

Tomo:And soon at the gym

With a determined chin

The sweat from his pores

As he works for his cause

Will make him glisten

And gleam, and with massage

And just a little bit of steam. (runs his finger down Nakago's chest)

Nuriko:Missed it, missed it, now you gotta kiss it!

Tomo:He'll be pink and quite clean

He'll be a strong man

Oh, honey

Chorus:But the wrong man.

(Soi and Amiboshi drag out a pommel horse)

Tomo:He'll eat nutritious

Tamhome:Cum

Tomo:High protein

Tamahome:Cum

Tomo:And swallow raw-

Suboshi:Chicken cum

Tomo:-eggs

Try to build up his shoulders

His chest, arms and (smirk) legs

Such an effort

If he only knew of my plan

In just seven days

dodger-chan:A fucking week.

Chorus:I can make you a man

Tomo:(Kicks Nakago to the floor) He'll do press-ups

Tamahome:Nakago made a hole in the floor.

Suboshi:Nakago is a hole in the floor.

Tomo:And chin-ups

Do the snatch, clean and jerk

He thinks dynamic tension

Must be hard work

Nuriko:Remember that horse brutality we talked about? Here it is.

(Tomo mounts the pommel horse)pun intended

Tomo:Such strenuous living

Soi:Thrust

Tomo:I just don't understand

Soi:and thrust

Tomo:When in just seven days

Chichiri:And seven nights no da!

Tomo:I can make you a man...

(The freezer warning light starts to blink)

Ashitare:What happens when you leave meatloaf in the freezer for too long?

Soi:It goes bad!

(Tasuki burst from the freezer on a motorcycle with a saxophone instead of a tessin)

dodger-chan:Screaming from the freezer like a bat outta hell!

(as Tasuki tosses away his safety gear)

Yui:Fuck the goggles!

Chichiri:Fuck the helmet, no da!

Nuriko:Fuck you!

Tasuki:Whatever happened to Saturday night?

Miboshi:Sunday morning!

Tasuki:When you dressed up sharp

And you felt alright

It don't seem the same since cosmic light

Came into my life and I thought I was divine.

I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go

And listen to the music on the radio

A saxophone was blowing on a Rock and Roll show

We climbed in the back seat, really had a good time

Hot patootie, bless my soul

Really love that Rock and Roll

Nuriko:--sex, drugs, and Rock and Roll

Chorus:Hot patootie, bless my soul, with

Sex, drugs, and Rock and Roll

Hot patootie, bless my soul, with

Sex, drugs, and Rock and Roll

Hot patootie, bless my soul, with

Sex, drugs, and Rock and Roll

(saxophone solo)

Suboshi:Eat shit.

Amiboshi:And die.

Tasuki:(approaches Soi)My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled

Chiriko:Hey, Miser, take this. (Tasuki hands Tamahome the saxophone)

Miaka:And don't sell it.

Tamahome:I wasn't going to. (looks very disappointed)

Tasuki(half-heartedly embraces Soi)

My hands kinda fumbled with her white plastic belt

I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt

She'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine

Get back in front and put some hair oil on

Buddy Holly was singing his very last song

With your arms around your girl, you try to sing along

It felt pretty good...Whoo!

Really had a good time

Hot patootie, bless my soul

Really love that Rock and Roll

Chorus: Hot patootie, bless my soul, with

Sex, drugs, and Rock and Roll

Hot patootie, bless my soul, with

Sex, drugs, and Rock and Roll

Hot patootie, bless my soul, with

Sex, drugs, and Rock and Roll

(saxophone solo with dance)

Soi:Step, step, step, kick. Step, kick. Step, kick. Kick, kick, kick, kick.

Chorus:Hot patootie, bless my soul

I really love that Rock and Roll

(Chours repeats as Tasuki rides the motorcycle around the lab, aiming at those he doesn't much care for.)

(Tomo locks Nakago in the elevator and grabs an icepick. Right as the song ends, he lunges at Tasuki with it and chases Tasuki back into the freezer. Soi shrieks.)

(Tomo stagers out of the freezer)

Hotohori:Killing people always makes me so dizzy.

Tomo:One from the vaults.

(Amiboshi peels off Tomo's bloody gloves)

Yui:Turn those inside out. We'll tell Miaka they're pop-tarts.

Miaka:Pop tarts? Where?

(Nakago struggles to break his bonds and escape from the elevator)

Nuriko:I'm pissed! I'm pissed! I'm pissed! I'm pissed! I'm pissed!

(Tomo opens the elevator door. Nakago backs away just a bit)

Tomo:There, there. Don't be upset.

Hotohori:He's not upset. He's pissed.

Tomo: Anyway, it was a mercy killing.

Suboshi:No, it was a messy killing.

Tomo:He had a certain naive charm, but no muscle)

(Tomo grabs Nakago's arm and places it in a flexed position)

Tomo: Oh!

But a deltoid and a bicep

Nuriko:What did you have for breakfast?

Miaka:Breakfast?

Tomo:A hot groin and a tricep

Makes me - Ooh!

(dances with Chiriko)

Chiriko:Wiggle with a midget.

Tomo:- shake

Makes me wanna take Charles Atlas by the hand

Soi:--by the balls.

Chorus:In just seven days

Tomo:Oh, baby

Chorus:I can make you a man

Tomo:I don't (kick) want no (kick) dissension

Just (kick) dynamic (kick) tension

Miboshi:Sing it pig!

Miaka:I'm a muscle fan

Yui:Who'd She have to eat to get a script?

Suboshi:And why didn't she eat the script too?

Chorus:In just seven days

I can make you a man

Tomo:Dig it if you can

Chorus:In just seven days

I can make you a man

(The wedding march is played as Tomo drags Nakago into the bridal suite)


End file.
